I was lying in bed, ready to sleep. I assumed my usual fetal position, all the while hugging my pillow sideways. This time though, I began squeezing my pillow hard between my legs. I moaned. I gradually began humping my pillow to extract more pleasure from this moment. One final squeeze as I bit my pillow…extracting as much pleasure as I can… 

And then there I was, lying ever so guilty on my bed, scolding myself for doing something so… naughty. I was filled with guilt as a blush filled my cheeks. I tried to get that moment out of my head as I forced myself to sleep. 

We don’t talk about sex

I can say I come from a fairly conservative upbringing. I was taught in a Christian school and I went to church every Sunday. Needless to say, our family never talked about sex, except for the times when my mom talked about her AIDS patients and how people are so irresponsible when it comes to sex. I openly agreed. Deep inside though, I can’t help but think how good it must feel. Just watching snippets of sex scenes on my laptop and I would cross my legs as I felt that happy tingly sensation. 

As a warm-blooded teenager, I had an overactive imagination when it came to sex. I would read erotica and daydream about what would happen if I starred in it:

I felt him slowly sit beside me on the bed. I was breathing heavily now. Relax, he said while kissing my neck. This sent literal shivers down my spine. He began caressing my back and stopped at the class of my bra. He looked at me expectantly. I nodded shyly. He unclasped my bra. I unconsciously put my arms on my chest. He smiled, “why, you’re beautiful.” He kissed me and I began becoming less tensed. He began to slowly reach down from my stomach to my panties. Just as he was about to slip his hand in, I gasped. “You haven’t done this before” , he stated. I shook my head no. He smacked his head and began laughing. “How did I not realize that?” I looked at my feet embarrassed. I peeked at him and he was grinning from ear to ear. “Are you sure”, he whispered. I nodded my head yes. 

The ‘no-so-innocent’ wallflower

So yes, everyone saw me as the most innocent wallflower, all the while my mind was filled with the naughtiest thoughts. There was a definite dissonance between my presented self and my actual self, and looking back now, I don’t think that was very healthy. I do think my social environment has very much contributed to this schism. 

Fortunately for me, I was given the opportunity to find myself outside of that. I went to a 1 year school exchange program in Germany. 

There, I was able to meet people from many different cultures and backgrounds that were different from mine. When it came down to it, talking about sex wasn’t taboo and this enabled my mind to be free of its guilt shackles. 

This allowed me to look at my naughty thoughts and see it as only natural as part of a healthy human being. 

No one can tell me anymore that you can’t think or do these things just because it’s “wrong”. If there is one thing in this world you can’t tell me what to do, you can’t tell me what to think. 

So here I am now, expressing my overactive imagination in the way I know how, through writing and illustration. I’m new to this creative outlet but this is one way to break free of suppressed desires. 

So, ti’l the next creative expression 😉